Ok, so yesterday I found myself down at Walmart, I never go to Walmart but my son needed some blood for his costume so we went to the store and I was pretty floored to say the least I could believe how many people were there and then it got me thinking…What the hell is wrong with me?????? I mean doesn’t everyone go to Walmart? Well, it looked liked they did. Then I started thinking about my life in the last 5 years since my hospitalization and how I became this madman writing an autobiography and well…kinda becoming an anomaly I guess you could put it. I mean yea, I remember back ten years ago when I was working as a commercial electrician I would go to Walmart to pick up something related to my job…which was rare….but back then I had a big truck, tools up the ass and a go gettem attitude where nothing could stop me. Then bing bam boom….I got sick and everything changed. I stopped caring about the big truck, the nice house, the ….uh keeping up with the Jonses and I was just happy if I could ride a bike. But its not what I did. I sat on my 3 acre ranch house property and waited to die. Literally.. I figured I was good as dead or Dead Man Walking and just layed there…unable to figure out what was wrong with me and I just gave in..to the madness of Aids and realizing that I had been infected for 10 years prior, even when I was working and building a future. It didnt make sense so as much as my brain tried to rationalize and compensate, it just wasnt taking. So in the end I went through some very hard times. In hindsight I was concerned about losing what I had worked so hard for. I didnt realize that then. So now I look back and think, damn what a fucken selfish idiot. There was no glass half full for me, it was all or nothing…selfish, selfish, selfish. I thought about my own dad who after a brief illness jumped to his death off a 200 foot bridge when he was 42 and then I went woooah…Im following his footsteps. Then I started to change my thinking, I had a wife of 14 years, a son and they had stuck by me when I was laying in the bed unable to speak….I remember them looking at me and wanting to talk but couldnt make my brain tell my mouth to speak. So Although I had some cognitive damage…I actually knew it was them..I remember her crying as she looked at my frail body that had been ravaged by the disease…my once strong 210 pound contstruction/surfer body was just a withering fragment of what it once was. It took a long time to realize that the damage inflicted on the two of them was harder than it was for me. At that time I wish the good Lord woulda just taken me. But now, Ive gained my weight back and although Im still well..mentally challenged..have some serious anxiety and lost just about everything…house, career, money…Im happier now than Ive ever been in my life.. Weird huh? Doesn’t make sense but its not supposed to. Happiness is a feeling so I found out…not just that feeling you get when you get a new Walmart bike or a new car, job..whatever. I also realized that since my own father took his own life when i was 17 I had done nothing my whole life but work and struggle. I also saw lots and lots of friends die from drinking, drugs, fights…by being idiots. So I figure I really am the luckiest man alive…I have a family…2 people who really really care bout me and love me. Its all that matters…more than cars, boats, houses and all the toys in the world. cause those things have no feeling, no emotion, nothing….and they cant say I love you, which is all any of us need to make our lives worthwhile.