Work, aging and purpose

Ive found that since leaving my job as a fire alarm technician Ive pretty much been one of those people who I like to say is sidelined..  Like you know your not in demand anymore, you cant scream at the world, “Hey Im here, I need help!”  Theres not alot out there.  Even if its your next door neighbor.  It really is a crazy life but then I dont think I would really want to deal with the aholes of the world in a work environment.   Especially in todays economy.  You can end up finding yourself on the losing  even in a fast food restaurant.  Fuck that… Been there done that.  I dont see as a job as being anything but a ticking timebomb especially when you are working for someone else.  Just aint worth it anymore.  Now if you work for yourself I think thats great, especially if you in fact are making it.  All the while we all get older and are supposed to learn from these experiences.   Then when we are ld and our bodies cant handle the vigorous requirements to perform the job we are let go or retired.  So at 49 I guess Im retired.  I do have some major barriers though, I dont think it would be appropriate to take time out from my job so I can politely hurl in the toilet because the meds make me do so.  Or if my legs get shaky I dont think I could say. “Hey I need to sit down.  I would hear “whats wrong with you and bla bla bla.  Then low and behold they fnd out Im HIV positive…thats a whole new nightmare.   I already went through that at the VA.  So now I just sit, sidelined and I dont fight it anymore.  Acceptance I guess they call it.  Sure the bill collectors call but I never ever answer any more…that would be devestating. I pay my bills with my monthly peanuts…the ones I can to keep a roof over my head but thats it.  I dont go to school because my brain has a hard time paying attention and I know it would be a waste of time.  Ive been through a 4 year trade school and remember what comittment that took.  As well as the Marines and everything else I have done.  So yea I just write now….its fun though and it helps.  I know that my book sales would help but then I dont see alot of them.  I do sell some books but not many…its hit or miss I guess.  I think that maybe someday I may get to that point but for now I just keep writing, editing and take my HIV meds so I can keep pluggin away.  But, Im getting older and I know that.  Im not the 20 or thirty something that had so much energy anymore    The disease has wound me down, made me tired and weak in some aspects.  There isnt alot of support, maybe from the guy next door who bums a dollar and says “Yea its tough everywhere man.”  Other than that…nothing.     Im sure most people don’ImageImaget even know that I am a published author and well…I doubt they would care.  I think alot of people think…yea well if it aint payin the bills why the fuck do it? I dont know…maybe Im crazy  Im not sure.  I do know its brought me some joy though, made me feel like I did something besides lay in bed and wait to die.    Either way its just a little contribution from me that I hope people would see as worth doing.  If not maybe Im just fooling myself Dave


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