Today I went to the gym and did my usual 3-4 mile workout at the local gym. When I got home I started my usual cleaning and saw the stack of dishes my illustrious partner left for me. Ive realized that although my partner did stand by me through all of my crap I also realized that Ive spread myself thin in our relationship. I mean everyone goes through bullshit but Ive really been through the ringer. The problem is I am not seen as a weak person on the outside. Im still strong, weigh around 200 have tattoos and look like I could do some damage if I got pissed off enough. In my old days I used to be a pretty mellow guy but I do remember one incident where a guy I worked with freaked out on some alcohol and wanted to fight me. I said no, you dont want to go there. He said fuck you man and then tried to swing at me. Needless the say I countered knelt down and came up swinging hard with a right hook to his nose. It broke it and I remember even though it was dark I could see the blood gushing out.. This wasnt really old news with me, I mean I grew up in a biker town with hells angels. My life was always survival. Always. I dont see things with rose colored glasses. I see things as fight to survive. So when I went to California in way I was back in my old world, where its not all nice. Life is tough and I get that, hell Ive lived it but when I get these constant culture shocks my mind freaks out and I go into fight or flight mode. So now as I am older and living with HIV and Aids for 18 years I realize Im just another guy that isnt really that different. The only difference with me is I know tough living and I survive like a cochroach, like an animal trying to survive. Here in Durham NC things are slow but everyone here has a place. Its probably 50 percent african america and the other caucasion but Im like the man in the middle. Theres just no place for me….everything is taken.So I think to myself whats to stop me from becoming a thug? Why not just become a thief or whatever. I guess its cause Im not hardwired like that. I do have responsibilities but nobody seems to really care what I do. I mean for all intents and purposes I am retired right now. But I can definitely tell I am an outsider here. Theres just no room for me. So thats why I write too. Plus I study on marketing and all that SEO stuff and while 3 years ago was considering suicide I was at the end of my rope I have a little hope now. I just wish it wasnt so hard and complicated. I have kind of adopted a small little black cat that runs around here. He always comes up in the morning looking cold and hungry. Hes small, probably 1 year old but he has a sweet disposition. So I let him chill out with me during the day. He sleeps…lol…Recently I published a short Kindle book “Simple Steps To Marketing And Publishing Your Kindle Book!” In it I covered all kinds of stuff like finding the right publisher for indies, how to get a press release,links to marketing companies and links for free publishing, marketing and press releases. Once it was published I saw that it was already on the number 5 spot on Kindle. Needless to say it dropped overnight but oh well. The point of it was to at least get something done. In my old life I dont think Id of bothered. I think I would of gone to work and then pounded a few beers with friends. Its been 7 years since I drank any alcohol and I think its helped with my recovery. So, with that said I think its better than just saying fuck it and throwing in the towel. Hopefully maybe my blogs may help you feel hope if your feeling bummed out.
Dave The Sunshine Murders & My Life, A Life Story Of A Man Infected