Balancing Life, writing and Survival with HIV


So I have been with my significant other for 14 years but also have been on disability for 5 now.  Ive noticed our lives have become a game of psychological warfare.  She takes almost a half of the money I get and even though we both agreed to pay or our sons school, now I see that I am paying the full 600 bucks.  She has a degree in Psychology so Im sure I am not match for her wit. So since Ive been going through so much anxiety I revisited my reasons for having this condition.  I dont think it is the HIV, I think its the fact that I am left with no money…maybe 800 bucks a month because I pay her car insurance.  So I confronted her and said “Hey ya know what I figured out? ” “What” she said/,I then told her, our lives have turned into a head game.  Its been this way for years.  I give you this money and when I bring something up about it you hit the road with the kid in tow.  Im too weak to fight all that anymore so I just really cant say anything.  So for all intents and puposes I explained to her that my disability payments are geared to help me get on my feet.  No she says, thats money for living.  lol…I thought that was funny.  Here I am practically drooling on myself and she says this.  Then I say I dont think this is a good environment, in fact I think its a joke.  She then proceeds to tell me how hard she tries and that all we need is love.  Love dont pay the bills…never did.  So maybe this is why I write so much too.  It may also be why I fell out of love with her.  I dont resent her, I just dont see anything appealing anymore…I know Im a jerk, but not really.  When I was working I was going full steam ahead.  And now Ive been reduced to a shell of who I once was, vacumning and doing laundry washing dishes and writing.  So, I began my own battle of psychological warfare with her.  I told her its all you have left me with.   She said I hope it hasnt got to that point.  I said yes…let the games begin.  So I think we may be heading for splitsville….I think we were there years ago but now I just dont care anymore.  Ive been down before though…Ive lived on the rocks of the beach for 6 months….So now living with this illness I just say….hey see that corner of the room…thats me…a cochroach…surviving…becuase thats whats happened to me..So that is out of the bag…..I dont see anyway of putting it.  My books are doing better…but I am distracted, disturbed and frustrated right now..maybe I am wasting my time maybe not…who freakin knows…All I know is for all I have been through, accomplished and survived, I would think the days would be a bit brighter…

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