Last night I went to Target. Its here in Durham NC and altough dont normally go to any of the big yadayada high falutin buy our shit stores I went last night becuase my son wanted some new clothes or to look at them. I dont know..Whatever. So we pile into my Tracker and head over there. Im walking around and Im seeing all this shit. Last minute 70 percent garbage that is great for piling in your garage and collecting dust. Little ornament shit and candy up the ass and that god knows what its good for. I mean that store has alot of fucken shit. So, Im like the miser walking around looking at all this junk thinking what am I doing here? I see a huge box of Goldfish crackers and Im thinking hmmmm I could buy this big box of Cosco looking crackers and put them in my sons lunch in a little bag. I mean this thing was like a freakin milk carton. You may of seen them.. So then I see underwear that I could use I guess. They are the well Im not sure, not boxers, they look like tight shorts….not tighty whiteys, more like I dont know whatever. Its this thing of underwear that has like 6 of them. SO I grab those and then Im walking around with the underwear and this big thing of Goldfish crackers thinking what am I doing. Do I even need this shit? So I run into my better half and my son after getting all lost in Target and she sees the crackers and is like…”What are you doing?” Im standing there with the crackers and underwear and she just starts laughing at me. I guess I do things weird. Like off the wall and theres no rhyme or reason. maybe its the illness that does it to me, makes me do things that are weird and not really with any purpose. So I say hey these crackers are cheap. She says we dont need them. I say Oh…ok…well…theres alot of the little fuckers in there. Little goldfish things. Shes like No, we dont so put them back. In my mind I was thinking hey this is a deal. So, maybe this is why I dont really shop too much. It doesnt work. If I go to the grocery store Ill buy a bunch of stuff that makes no sense too…like a pound of jalapenos. Who buys a pound of jalapenos? I do, I guess. So yea Im weird but Im just trying to help out. So, anyways, yesterday we went ice skating. I usually say at the last minute yea I want to go so I end up going. At first I was thinking I shouldnt cause I am living with this fucked up illness, maybe Ill fall and my brittle bones will break. Then I say to myself, dude your alive, fucking live ya pussy. hen the careful side of me says Nooooo, youll get hurt. Then I finally say, yea but if you dont try you will never experience. So then I say fuck it and do it anyway. In the end I wind up back home anyway so might as well venture out and try and have fun. I love the picture Casey Voight sent me, absolutely love it! It really is cool. I also like the book Im reading from Lilly M Love aka…moon dweller. So, yea thats me. Im real fucken simple now….not much going on. But at least I try. The ice skating is fun, it gets all dark and stuff when they turn the lights out and they have the John Travolta disco ball doing its gig and everybody is flying around the rink.=, barely missing me as I move ever so cautiously down the ice. Ive been editing my book with the Grammerly software. I dont know if I trust it. Like is it good software to use? I dont know, maybe. We shall see. I appreciate the likes on my blogs, I have to remember to keep reblogging all of your blogs and comment here and there. I am glad I can maybe make some of you laugh or cry or yell. Thats my intention, nothing more. Happy New Year!
So, I have been working on the Sunshine Murders book alot. Trying to make it all flow together better. Like I said I’m not a professional writer but in the past year my writing skills have improved considerably. I just need some guidance. I know in a world of hustle and bustle most people are consumed by thoughts of bills and mortgages and who knows what else. I for the most part am not anymore. I guess thats what happens when you let stuff go.You know like the stuff. The stuff we all work for to make our lives worthwhile. I find that even though Im not physically working Im finding things that are keeping me somewhat engaged. Like editing, Editing is like a full time job, it never seems to end. Ill edit and then Ill see something that should be changed. Like a sentence needs rewriting or maybe taken out. Stuff like that. Ive also found that in a world where everyones trying to make a name for themselves, Ive found that I want to just make it to the next day in one piece with out freaking out or throwing up from my meds or whatever. I have noticed that when you let go and stop caring or trying so hard, things work better. I remember as a journeyman electrician I was in charge of some apprentices on a big job site. They were all green and didnt really know what the hell to do but were so eager to jump right in. Theres a method to the madness I used to say. All the pipe cutting and reaming of the conduit and piecing together stuff was like a puzzle. In the end it all came together. But its hard work and it can beat you down. Its not like sitting at a computer all day and then hanging out at a watercooler. It gets hot and you get nasty from the dirt and dust from backhoes and forklifts driving by, Its tough pouring slurry that covers conduit in trenches and you have to shovel the stuff around the pipes. Slurry is like concrete. Or tying pipes together underground so they dont move when you pour the slurry. That shit is a bitch. Then also the mishaps that occur, people falling off scafolds or shooting themselves with nailguns etc. Its a bitch of a job. So now that Im writing and all eager, Im sure to others Im like an apprentice, Like no, you dont do it this way, do it like this. Or edit like this or. or indent like this, it reads better on Kindle. Fuck me into tomorrow. Thats alot to absorb, especially for me. So, I go slow and easy with it all. Im not running a race here guys. Yesterday I got some help from this person that lives on the moon I guess. Mysterious, I know. But it’s helping little by little. I just dont know how well Im applying the techniques. It is fine, Ive got all day. In my old life, things seemed to fall into place …kind of. Work as an electrician is well…sporadic. Im sure now its pretty much a dead horse or dried up as they say. Feast or Famine. Thats the way it is in everything these days. Everyone has it worse it seems. So, to compare myself to anyone would be fruitless. You wont get anywhere that way. I talked with this person who (lives on the moon) and she says she sees her book unfold before her like a movie. I think thats awesome. Pretty freakin wild. But then yea I can kinda see that. Especially since the Sunshine Murders was created out of my wacked out mind. So, maybe I am a little insane, I cant blame it on the meds or the HIV, as people tell me Dave you were always a little wacked out. Maybe thats what helped me and hindered me. I dont know. Ive lived and lost as we all have. The one good thing about this dreaded disease is ithas given me time to connect with old friends from High School and the military days. Other than that I dont know. Its a bear to live with. its one of those emotional diseases. It makes you think differently I think. It can either make you or break you both physically and emotionally. You have to have support when you deal with HIV. Its not like, oh fuck that man, lets go to the bar, itll be alright. It dont work that way. In fact alcohol will easily kill you when your dealing wth this shit. When I first went in the hospital I was so jacked up, I had 102 Tcells left and my viral load was at 750,000 Holy shit thats fuckin high…isnt it? At least thats what I said when I found out. And then whats a viral load…Haha…Silly guy…..Your fuckin almost dead is what they shoulda told me. But since Im like a cochroach or I have some guardian angel looking out for me I was given a second chance at life. So, while the days of sweating my ass off in a trench installing 10 foot sticks of 5″ conduit are gone, a new opportunity arose for me. An opportunity to live for me and not some general contractor barking orders like hes a fuckin drill instructor. Maybe thats all it is. Just another chance and an opportunity for you (whoever you are) to learn about me and what makes me tick. We are after all, all in the same boat…..in the end. Dave
So, today I did some editing on my fiction book. It seems like even though when i started it and I knew it was mostly just a way of helping me regain some motor skills, its turned into a project. Like it goes on and on. Not because I chose to keep it going but I had it critiqued to death so now Im at square one. I should of just let it be and said ahh well, that was an accomplishment. Even if Im not an accomplished author like Lilly M Love or Casey Voight. I tried and thats all that matters. If you talk to people about writing a book. you will hear a variety of responses if you tell them you are writing one. Here is what Iv’e heard so far. “Wow, that’s so cool.” or “How do you find the time?” or “Why would you do that?” or “Is it finished?” or “Where can I find it?” or Jeez you must have alot of time on your hands or Yea, someday I should do that, I have alot to say.” or “Must be nice, I gotta work my ass off for Joe Fucken Blow for nine bucks and hour.” So you see where Im going with that. But initially when I started I have to remember I was writing an autobiography. And most people write those if they are either famous or about ready to die. Im not famous. So, anything more that is icing on the cake for me. But, it has opened up a whole new world for me and brought many wonderful people into it. Ive learned and am still learning and beginning to appreciate my life and what I have left. I also found a new passion but I try and go easy with it. The editing is the toughest for me. So is the paragraphing and indenting correctly. That part sucks. But it is a necessary evil for me right now. So, my Sunshine Murder book as quirky and off the wall like I am it is finally taking shape. So, I have to thank a certain lady who lives on the moon and writes magnificently for helping me out. It’s much appreciated and when she comes down from the moon I hope she can help me more. So anyway, thats that and its Saturday and theres nothing happening but whats happening now. I think thats just life. Live in the moment.
Well, maybe not frogs but I did see a couple earthworms swimming around. Today I see alot of places are still closed. The gym is closed but thats ok. I went to the gas station and got my ten bucks worth of gas which keeps my little Tracker moving. Ten bucks in my car can actually get me about 60 miles which really isnt that bad. I look at other cars and think whow I bet thats a freaking gas guzzler and usually Im right. I keep things simple now….I mean real simple. Its almost sick. I have a small little space that I use as an office which is really just a triangle shaped desk made of Rosewood and then my laptop with my little speakers that I bought for thirty bucks and I have a few pictures. One of a ten by thirteen acrylic painting I made of hot air balloons and a picture of my son and my latest picture that Casey Voight sent me for buying her Kindle version of The Dove. Very cool. I also bought some new headphones. They are kinda weird but the sound is great. So, thats it and my cell phone and a bunch of pens and a remote control helicopter which I bought. Its small like 5 inches long but beleive it or not it really flies and has lights and everything,, I am for the most part comfortably living a simple life I guess. I still have alot of stuff though, probably 300 cds and my guitars and two bikes and a nice stereo which well Im sure its outdated by now. I also have a brand new watch and a few other things that are cool. Gone are the days of me walking into a big garage with my F150 and all kinds of electrical stuff.. Gone is the nice house and the big backyard which I remember drinking beers in talking with my friends on the phone who were down in San Diego. All that is gone….the e toys my son had when he was small are now at the grandparents collecting dust in the backyard. It doesnt bother me anymore but I did notice Ive become a more emotional person. Maybe Im lacking testosterone, I dont know. Could be. All I know its the things that make me happy are not the same as before. Ive been following some new writers and trying to get as many tips as a can from them. But I know its all a process, this writing deal. It just doesnt really pay off as well as some would hope for. I guess you could maybe write a good book on marketing and probably make some sales but thats not really my cup of tea at this point. Ive seen some pretty awesome work though. I bought Lily M Loves book Meet Me In The Dark and I have to admit it really is well written. Its kinda dark kinda mysterious and kinda suspenseful but it works well. Ive also realized that for me anyway, even if I move somewhere else, the problems I have will still be there. I could move back to Calfornia but I would still be dealing with the same crap Im dealing with now. Its easier I guess just staying put until the fat lady sings. But, I would like to have fun before the ride is over. I just think that raising kids is a full time job and as much as it would be so much easier to walk away and keep all my money that I do have to myself, it wouldnt be appropriate. I remember years ago I was struggling in San Diego, had to be early 90s. So I rented a room, I would call it more like a closet. It was teeny tiny but it was clean. I felt like I was in a cave. A little jacked up cave where all you could do is sit. And sit I did, for 6 months. I didnt do much. I would walk out to the mall and see all the people shopping and I was like wow…this sucks. then back to to the room. And I would sit there and just dwell on shit. Then finally I had to leave, i couldnt take it anymore. I had no car and just a backpack. So I ended up on the street. I met a couple people who were down and out and they seemed cool. But we were homeless. So, I ended up hanging out with them for a while and then called a friend of mine. he said where are you, Im coming to get you.. So I told the two I was taking off to the beach. They wanted to come, I said no, my friend doesnt want any one else coming. So, they tried to bumrush me before my friend got there. I was like oh fuck no. So Im running and one of the guys runs across the street and the other one ends up ahead of me and stops and tries to block me. I ran right at him and lifted my arm up and clocked him in the jaw with my elbow. So he goes down but the other guy starts running after me. Im running down the main street in downtown and this guy is after me and all of a sudden a cop is there. So he breaks us up and say ok, you walk that way and you walk the other way.. So that was that and finally my friend showed up and the rest is history. He took me to where he lived and then thats when I started getting my life together again. So now, I guess I could sit and reflect forever or just say screw it and try and start over. But I dont understand what starting over really is. I have a place to live, I have a son, I even have a car and a few toys. So maybe we are left in the end with all we really need. Nothing more. maybe thats enough. So, thays my story for the day, hope it didnt bore you too much. I guess I dont have much to say, guess Ill read…
So, I’ll just post this update on my book and maybe recommend someone elses work. I think Ive got alot of work to do on my book. Im sure some of the people Ive talked to or have seen my writing probably could smash the fuck out it with a hammer but thats cool. I write from the heart and not necessarily grammatically correct. I came from the school of hard freakin knocks. So, bear with me and my defects. Its been a process for me to deal with cognitive stuff and then trying to actually write a book. Especially when not but a few short years ago I was being fed introveneously because my brain couldnt send the signal to my mouth to eat. So, I think Im ok. Damaged but ok. So anything I can accomplish is well..an accomplishment. Recently Ive been reading Lilly M Love’s work. So, she is an accomplished writer who writes in the genre I like. Dark Suspense stuff. Interesting stuff no doubt. So, even though Im fairly new to all of this Ive connected with some cool people who really write masterfully. It is fascinating to me, to meet someone who has such expertise, So yes, she read some of my stuff and ripped me apart which Im glad she did. I learned alot from her in a short time. Im grateful there. Now comes the hard part. i have to put her suggestions to use and learn from all of it. For now I just go slow. Ive also learned alot from Casey and Larissa. Not by talking with them but rather from reading and seeing what they do and how they do it. Very talented young women. So, its been good for me to learn from them. I just dont know where to go from here. Editing and more editing I guess. I hope everyone has had and is having a good holiday season.
So, I know that this life presents many challenges especially as we get older. Ive found this hard way no doubt. Trying to raise a son and living with the HIV virus has been the toughest job Ill ever love. Its also made me realize that the things that we work for like cars, homes status, can all be taken away from us quickly. It happened to me. In 2002 I remember having a nice house, a nice truck, a job and a newborn son. In 2005 when I got sick he was only 3 years old. So, he didnt understand what was going on and why his dad was gone when I was hospitalized. He could of easily been without a parent. I see that there must of been a reason I was spared. I also remember a girl next to me who had Aids and was 24 years died while I was hospitalized. I think back and wonder why wasnt I taken? Sometimes now my son actually has to tell me to do this or gets me moving. Like Cmon dad, itll be fun. Let’s go. In reality I feel like just staying put and not going anywhere. The effects of HIV and the continued struggle I have from the after effects of meningitis make me tired and I hurt alot. Its the course of life, life and death. I know Im dying, a little more each day. I feel it in my body and my mind. I get sad, I cry. I think back to when I was so strong and working feverishly to get an electrical job done, rain or shine. Then I think of now, how I can feel myself changing, not wanting and not expecting. This is the reality of my life now. The options have become more limited. My son has become at 10 years old like I was at his age. Motivated and enthusiastic. He sees me as someone who he has to motivate. He knows I have Aids but he also knows that I am trying as hard as I can. But I know that my time is limited. I think of when I die, he will bury me and stand over my grave. I dont want that time to come anytime soon but I know eventually it will happen. So, thats my take on that. I remember standing over my own fathers grave when he died from a 200 foot jump off the Coronado Bay Bridge in San Diego and I felt numb. I was 17 and felt my life was over. I didnt know what to do or feel. Six months later I was in the Marine Corps and was in Japan a year later working as a Postal Worker for FPO or overseas military mail. I think of the journeys Ive had, surfing at Chiba Japan, riding motorcycles through Julian in California, the women Ive known and friends who have died. Sometimes I have dreams about it all and wake up to the reality of where I am today. maybe its just the way it is and supposed to be. I think Ill die here, where I am…Im North Carolina. I may be done travelling. It just doesnt work anymore for me. So, that brings me to what motivates me and Gets Me Through. I honestly dont know. I think it may be one thing and one thing only. To see my son grow up as much as I can before succumb to this disease or whatever. And maybe to teach him a few things and make him laugh before I go. So, when he does bury me, he will smile and remember the good times we have had…..with fondness.. 1980, Ocean Beach California
So, lately Ive been learning alot about my writing skills or lack thereof. I am told I have a great style but it all needs some work. Im not a professional writer, in fact I really just started writing becuase it helped me with some cognitive issues due to my bout of meningtis. So I wasnt really expecting much. At first I just wrote blogs, then niche articles for money, then on the advice of my doctor I began a journal. The journal was supposed to be a way of tracking my health progress both physically and mentally.. So I wrote a journal. I ook it to him and he said ok great, And I was like ok great what? Now what? What do I do now? He didnt really have an answer except to tell me Im doing great physically and to keep taking my meds and whoo hooo your gonna fuckin live for ever. I was thinking uh…yea…..ok, thats great but my life is a fucking mess. So then I started writing from day one of my life up till my hospitalization with the illness. So I wrote and wrote and wrote. I wrote about the abuse I suffered from a wicked stepmother, the beatings and verbal abuse and all the horseshit I endured. I wrote about surfing and how it was my escape from the insane asylum I lived in. I wrote about my dads suicide when I was seventeen and how I was kicked out of the house two weeks after he died with no where to go. Then my time in the Marines, a failed marraige, friends who went down the toilet, and all the other shit I went through. So, in the end I had a journal I guess. So someone said hey you should publish that thing and thats what happened. But something else happened to me in the process. I began to like the whole writing thing and I liked the stories that came out of writing. So thats when it really began for me, But it was therapy too, something a shrink couldnt do for me. I mean I felt trappped like I had to do something. So since that time Ive become more organized. I try and write a bit more consistent and try and pay attention even if I have a 10 yr old standing next to me saying “Im bored”. So, my life gets spit up pretty much. On minute Im wearing a fuckin apron in the kitchen (jk) but close and the next Im being dad. But hey Im still alive so fuck it..Ive met some cool authors like Casey Voight and Tanja Pleva and a few others who have helped me to see my mistakes. So I grateful there. Ive also started on another book but again I need so much help its not even funny, It would be easier to say awww screw it and watch movies all day but it isnt my nature. So thats the deal with me. I dont drink anymore so I cant waste time doing that staring at something thinking well, If I look at it long enough it will fix itself. If it aint broken, dont fuck with it, I bought Casey’s book The Dove on Kindle and still reading when I have the chance. Yesterday I got something from her, and what a cool thing it was. A print picture of an indian girl signed and a nice postcard inside the envelope. So, thanks Casey, you are indeed a class act all the way! So, thats it for me as I continue to stumble through my writing and publishing adventures. My exercise routine has been put on hold till after the first. Ive gotten to where I want be physically for now. I think Ive lost the 15 pounds my doctor wanted me to. So thats a good thing. Its getting colder outside so its not really motivating me to trek it to the gym. So theres another reason Im slacking. Im doing some more changes on The Sunshine Murders, paragraphing and editing so its still a work in progress. The Audible version is much better still because Luke Smith did such a great job. So to everyone who has helped and supported me on my journey I hope you all are having a great holiday and are happy and healthy. Thats it for now….I have a ten year old who needs attending to. Runny nose…sheesh. Dave