Books And Health

So, Ive been reading a lot lately.  I started reading more when I stopped working. So, when I stopped working my main concern was on my health.  Living with HIV takes a lot of energy Ive found.  I mean it is draining.  So, I am constantly reading about immune system issues and how I can better my situation.  I’m tired  and sometimes Ill fall asleep during the day.  It sucks.  When I got sick I was really fucked up.  I remember sweating like crazy but the worst was the queeziness and this strange taste in my mouth.  It was awful.  I later found out it was thrush, one of the symptoms of AIDS.  My tongue was white and no matter how much I rinsed my mouth out of brushed it wouldn’t go away,  So yea that was just the beginning of my bout with AIDS.  In July of 2005 I finally collapsed and was rushed to the hospital.  I really don’t remember shit. All I remember is I was sitting in the hospital room, well laying there and I looked over to my right and I had needles in my arm and I saw this weird thing that had blood spinning around in it.  It was my blood and they were giving me a blood transfusion.  In all I had three.  I also remember about 5 doctors over my bed looking down on me and talking.  Then they would go outside.  Then come back in, then go out again.Then a couple days later they told me…You have Aids.  I mean it was fucking surreal. So, they told me that I had been living with the virus for 10 years prior and now its been about 17 or 18 years.  But I never found out until 2005 when I collapsed.  I never got tested, I was like most people who think…ahh Im ok, it was just one time and  well did I sleep with her or jeez I don’t know I was soooo drunk..  Tha’ts how I was…I worked hard but played harder.  So as I worked I accumulated alot.  I made good money as an electrician. I was big and strong and healthy.  I also had an ego, like nothing can phase me.  In the end my ego was my downfall…an ego just needs more and more….it is what drives people to accumulate shit….once you let go of ego, the material aspect of life is not as important.  That is what getting sick allowed me to see.  That we are all mortal and we will all die.  The things we work so hard for dont die.  They rust, break and in no way can bring you lasting happiness. I honestly  believe that becoming humble and accepting of ourselves is the key to happiness. I also believe that some of the things we go through as children can resurface in later years.  I went for years suppressing the abuse I suffered at the hands of my stepmother.  I was beaten with hairbrushes, coathangers, sticks and anything she could get her hands on.  I had my my washed out with soap, my fingernails cut until they bled and told that I should just go and die somewhere.  This went on for years from 7 years old until I was 17.  so,its not surprising that when I moved out 2 weeks after my father commited suicide when I was 17 I found myself in total survival mode.  Its been that way by for years.  I worked hard and finally bought my own house, and had a son.  It took years and it took longer to finally find out who I really am.  I think I have been trying to find myself since I was a young kid.  Alot of my friends from back home now see me in a different light after all Ive endured.  I think alot of them werent aware of the things I went through as a kid.  So, Im sure because of my upbringing it is also why I contracted HIV. I took too many chances.  Now I am just thankful to be alive and have  a place to live. So, there…thats me man.  Kinda rough, I know.  My book is still sitting, meaning I havent written much,  but today I will start again and see where it goes.  Its a process…I have also been gyming religiously for quite a while but I think Ive peaked for a while.   So, I have to rest up and let my body recover.  I have to remember Im still living with something that can kill me and will if Im not careful  It is my reality.  And while I still meet people who are like hey hows it going..Im still locked in this little shell, I call it my space, my secret room.  A place I let nobody in…its my place of tranquility and safety. Im sure the therapy has helped me but not in a way I wanted.  I wanted my life back, my good credit, my status as an electrician but it wasnt meant to be. I wanted to be financially stable again.  Didnt happen.  So I lost alot but I also gained alot.  I gained acceptance of myself and  acceptance and trust of those close to me. There are those I dont trust or wish to be around….too many of them especially around here…I dont understand them nor want to so I let them go…they dont matter to me or have an impact on my life….So, hopefully you can understand why I have certain views on things.  Today my health is good for the most part.  I do get nauseous at times but I deal…..I believe tha god has allowed me to live but I also think that to find god you have to go through a life changing event.  You cant find god or know god if you are selling cds trying to make money promoting a certain religious life style. Thats a sham.  Anyhoos thats my thoughts for the day…


2 thoughts on “Books And Health

  1. Wow, you have survived a lot. Not sure what impact my words will have but stay strong and continue living life! Disease or not, we never know when this dance is over. Might as well enjoy everything about it!

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