What Gets You Through???

So, I know that this life presents many challenges especially as we get older.  Ive found this hard way no doubt.  Trying to raise a son and living with the HIV virus has been the toughest job Ill ever love.  Its also made me realize that the things that we work for like cars, homes status, can all be taken away from us quickly.  It happened to me.  In 2002 I remember having a nice house, a nice truck, a job and a newborn son.  In 2005 when I got sick he was only 3 years old.  So, he didnt understand what was going on and why his dad was gone when I was hospitalized.  He could of easily been without a parent.  I see that there must of been a reason I was spared.  I also remember a girl next to me who had Aids and was 24 years died while I was hospitalized.  I think back and wonder why wasnt I taken?  Sometimes now my son actually has to tell me to do this or gets me moving.  Like Cmon dad, itll be fun.  Let’s go.  In reality I feel like just staying put and not going anywhere.  The effects of HIV and the continued struggle I have from the after effects of meningitis make me tired and I hurt alot.  Its the course of life, life and death.  I know Im dying, a little more each day.  I feel it in my body and my mind.  I get sad, I cry.  I think back to when I was so strong and working feverishly to get an electrical job done, rain or shine.  Then I think of now, how I can feel myself changing, not wanting and not expecting.  This is the reality of my life now.  The options have become more limited.  My son has become at 10 years old like I was at his age.  Motivated and enthusiastic.  He sees me as someone who he has to motivate.  He knows I have Aids but he also knows that I am trying as hard as I can. But I know that my time is limited.  I think of when I die, he will bury me and stand over my grave.  I dont want that time to come anytime soon but  I know eventually it will happen.  So, thats my take on that.  I remember standing over my own fathers grave when he died from a 200 foot jump off the Coronado Bay Bridge in San Diego and I felt numb.  I was 17 and felt my life was over.  I didnt know what to do or feel.  Six months later I was in the Marine Corps and was in Japan a year later working as a Postal Worker for FPO or overseas military mail.  I think of the journeys Ive had, surfing at Chiba Japan, riding motorcycles through Julian in California, the women Ive known and friends who have died.  Sometimes I have dreams about it all and wake up to the reality of where I am today. maybe its just the way it is and supposed to be.  I think Ill die here, where I am…Im North Carolina.  I may be done travelling.  It just doesnt work anymore for me.  So, that brings me to what motivates me and Gets Me Through.  I honestly dont know.  I think it may be one thing and one thing only.  To see my son grow up as much as I can before  succumb to this disease or whatever. And maybe to teach him a few things and make him laugh before I go.  So, when he does bury me, he will smile and remember the good times we have had…..with fondness..Image 1980, Ocean Beach California


4 thoughts on “What Gets You Through???

  1. Pingback: What Gets You Through??? « The Sunshine Murders Series

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